Venezuela's ragtag rebels take on the enemy

I might as well confess upfront. I have created a band of young Venezuelan rebels. As a matter of fact, some of you have helped me to arm them. With hoes and shovels, wheelbarrows and chicken wire, pitchforks and rakes.

Their entire arsenal of weapons is being directed at the heart of the Trump Blitzkrieg on Venezuela and simultaneously against the the Maduro Madness. How, you may ask, are they able to do this especially given that most of these rebels are around 14 years old  Quite simply, by unleashing the full force of their powerful  Operation Grow Food.

This strategy is extremely dangerous. It specifically targets the  lethal weapon used  by both Trump and Maduro: WEAPON HUNGER! The hunger weapon seeks to control the population, vilify the enemy (by  blaming them for causing the hunger),while turning you into a superhero as you pretend to combat it. 

As Operation Grow Food confronts Weapon Hunger, it is becoming increasingly clear that this band of rebels must be controlled, before it catches on! 

One of the fiercest rebels is Nazareth, known by her nom de guerre: Naza. Don't be fooled by the fact that she weighs a mere 80 pounds. She can wield a pick ax like Serena Williams with a tennis racket, and can plant a mango tree as fast as it takes you to check your Facebook. 

Let Interpol be warned. I am openly training these rebels in the powerful art of permaculture. Once they learn this art, there is no turning back. Ok, I know, I'm a repeat offender. You would think that after being detained at the Maiquetia Airport for the crime of bringing bok choy and kohlrabi seeds into the country, I should have learnt my lesson. But no, I'm at it again. 

Now, it's quite likely that the mere threat of these rebels might push Guaido-Trump and Maduro-Putin to acquiesce to the idea of elections. After two months of talks in Barbados both sides have told the kindly King of Norway that they are getting a bit bored of pina coladas and shark empanadas and midnight tussles on the beach.

If so, I've got the line up for elections. Ok, so we may have to slide the electoral age down to 12, but hey, it's time to get creative in Venezuela. Here is my slate:

Vivi president. Vivi's platform is simple, based on a skill he has finely tuned during his 14 years: laughter.  And, after five years of Maduro's Collective Crying strategy, Cellective Laughter just might be a winning formula.

Mamari. Minister of Planning. Mamari is my choice to gather the scarce resources left in Venezuela. She is known to get a raging cook fire going even after a rainstorm, whip up a pot of delicious soup from no apparent source, and make sure that every one gets the exact same serving with no one leaving the table until they fall in a food-induced stupor. I think it would be a clever antidote to the 20-pound-weight-loss Maduro diet implemented by him and his ministers.

Heiner, Minister of Defense. Until two years ago, Heiner was cross eyed, and teased mercilessly by many. This situation led him to load up with a powerful weapon that he skillfully unleashes unexpectedly, unarming his assailant immediately : a smile. The great thing is that this weapon can instantly be loaded to all citizens of Venezuelans. Even if Trump does send the Marines, with 20 million smiles, we should be in pretty good shape.

Fabi, Director of the Central Bank. Knowing how quick Fabi is to the draw, she would immediately have us convert to our currency from the worthless bolivar to the highly valued banana. We could store our money in everyone's front yard, and grow our economy daily. By pegging its value to its calorie content, I'm pretty sure the banana currency (BN) would soon dip below the current ten million percent inflation of the bolivar (BS).

I'm all for reducing bureaucracy, so let's leave it at that.

If after reading this highly classified report, any of you feel called to support these food-growing rebels, please send ammunition (in the cleverly disguised form of vegetable seeds.) You will be rewarded with abundant smiles and laughter.