I might as well
confess upfront. I have created a band of young Venezuelan rebels.
As a matter of fact, some of you have helped me to arm them. With
hoes and shovels, wheelbarrows and chicken wire, pitchforks and
rakes.
Their
entire arsenal of weapons is being directed at the heart of the Trump Blitzkrieg on Venezuela and simultaneously against the the Maduro Madness. How, you may ask, are they able to do
this especially given that most of these rebels are around 14 years old Quite simply, by unleashing the full force of their powerful Operation Grow Food.
This strategy is
extremely dangerous. It specifically targets the lethal
weapon used by both Trump and Maduro: WEAPON HUNGER! The hunger weapon seeks to control the population, vilify the enemy (by blaming them for causing the hunger),while turning you into a
superhero as you pretend to combat it.
As Operation Grow
Food confronts Weapon Hunger, it is becoming increasingly
clear that this band of rebels must be controlled, before it catches
on!
One of the fiercest
rebels is Nazareth, known by her nom de guerre: Naza. Don't be fooled
by the fact that she weighs a mere 80 pounds. She can wield a pick ax
like Serena Williams with a tennis racket, and can plant a mango tree
as fast as it takes you to check your Facebook.
Let Interpol be
warned. I am openly training these rebels in the powerful art of
permaculture. Once they learn this art, there is no turning back. Ok,
I know, I'm a repeat offender. You would think that after being
detained at the Maiquetia Airport for the crime of bringing bok choy and kohlrabi seeds into
the country, I should have learnt my lesson. But no, I'm at it again.
Now, it's quite
likely that the mere threat of these rebels might push Guaido-Trump
and Maduro-Putin to acquiesce to the idea of elections. After two
months of talks in Barbados both sides have told the kindly King of
Norway that they are getting a bit bored of pina coladas and shark
empanadas and midnight tussles on the beach.
If so, I've got the
line up for elections. Ok, so we may have to slide the electoral age
down to 12, but hey, it's time to get creative in Venezuela. Here is
my slate:
Vivi president.
Vivi's platform is simple, based on a skill he has finely tuned during his 14 years: laughter. And, after five
years of Maduro's Collective Crying strategy, Cellective Laughter just might be a winning
formula.
Mamari. Minister of
Planning. Mamari is my choice to gather the scarce resources left in
Venezuela. She is known to get a raging
cook fire going even after a rainstorm, whip up a pot of delicious
soup from no apparent source, and make sure that every one gets the
exact same serving with no one leaving the table until they fall in a
food-induced stupor. I think it would be a clever antidote to the
20-pound-weight-loss Maduro diet implemented by him and his
ministers.
Heiner, Minister of
Defense. Until two years ago, Heiner was cross eyed, and teased
mercilessly by many. This situation led him to load up with a
powerful weapon that he skillfully unleashes unexpectedly, unarming
his assailant immediately : a smile. The great thing is that this
weapon can instantly be loaded to all citizens of Venezuelans. Even
if Trump does send the Marines, with 20 million smiles, we should be
in pretty good shape.
Fabi, Director of
the Central Bank. Knowing how quick Fabi is to the draw, she would
immediately have us convert to our currency from the worthless
bolivar to the highly valued banana. We could store our money in
everyone's front yard, and grow our economy daily. By pegging its
value to its calorie content, I'm pretty sure the banana currency
(BN) would soon dip below the current ten million percent inflation
of the bolivar (BS).
I'm all for reducing
bureaucracy, so let's leave it at that.
If after reading
this highly classified report, any of you feel called to support
these food-growing rebels, please send ammunition (in the cleverly
disguised form of vegetable seeds.) You will be rewarded with
abundant smiles and laughter.
